“Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” -C. S. Lewis
As we come up on the anniversary of our move from Alaska to Indiana I have decided to take the time to reflect on the changes that have happened. Part of my brain does not want to do this. Claiming I do not have the time. The truth is its not easy to face but I’m trusting God is here with me.
I have no doubt that this move was in God’s plan for us. Its amusing to me that often I invision His plan for my life as a beautiful, sunny nature hike through butterflies, birds and flowers. Skipping along with a song on my lips, happiness abounds, hard situations and circumstances are long gone. The reality is a bit different, although there are times in this walk it feels very much like I described often it feels like I’m walking through a dark forest, praying that I am still on the path and trusting that if the wolf I hear approaching gets too close God will swoop in and save me.
I believe that when God saved me I was so unaware of how emotionally and relationally unhealthy I was. I lived in utter darkness. God used the terrible circumstances to call me to Himself. He showed me the path and as we walk together, out of the darkness, He has been healing my heart. We get to what seems like a tumultuous part, so scary everything tells me to run away and He stands firm. He holds me close and points out the lies and the damage. He offers forgiveness and wholeness. He never forces me to walk, He always invites and there has been times where I refuse to go on, so we gently circle around again until I’m ready.
These last two years have felt dark and scary more often then not. I have had to confront some relational unwellness with very difficult decisions. Shane and I are separated, with the hopes and prayers of restoration. We have a lot of work to do to have the marriage God intended. I am believing He will get us there. I can not speak for Shane but I can say my work has a lot to do with self worth. I was so fearful of being abandoned I would enter into relationships not face to face with my true self being offered. I would enter under the person, offering whatever I felt they needed, hoping to become such a needed part of their lives that they would never leave me. Which worked well and feels great at first. The other person feels loved and taken care of. I, in turn, feel needed and safe. Then after awhile, when the truth starts to emerge that I can not fix or actually meet that deep need in them, the safety begins to feel more like a weight I can not begin to bear. Heavier and heavier, until I begin to suffocate.
The healing that is happening is so good at the same time as very painful. Jesus has placed me in a community that is along my side cheering me along when I need it. They always seem to be there to offer a helping hand or a good, long laugh when the time is right. I am about to start school, which has been a huge worth issue for me in the past. God is allowing me and guiding me into reclaiming my life. The life He created and the life He died for. A life that I would once so easily cast into the darkness for an illusion of what I thought love was. A life that I am now learning to operate in His true love as well as the identity He died to give me. I trust Him, He knows what He is doing in my life as well as the life of my family.