Funny how emotions can sneak up on me, or rather, how good I am at ignoring their firm tug at my heart. I am waiting in my car at school, a half an hour early (because I have a compulsive arriving way to early problem) pondering my life. I am so overwhelmed with missing things. I miss my mom and dad. I miss my husband. I miss Alaska. I miss my kids being little and adorable. I miss my forever friends. I miss being a stay at home mom.
I am tempted to turn this into bitterness towards the new things in my life such as school or new people in my life. My brain likes to fill the holes in my heart. Cement is a fast drying and a quick fix but I dont think the holes are meant to be filled. When I refuse the hardening of my heart that would offer to help avoid these feeling I am left with grief and sorrow. Its in these empty places God can heal and minister to me. In a perfect world I would be able to hug my mom or laugh with my dad. I would be able to go on a hike or a boat ride down the Clearwater. I would be able to have coffee with my oldest and dearest friend while we watch our babies play.
Its sad and very painful but f I avoid those feelings and allow my heart to harden I miss out on the beauty Jesus has in the sorrow. I miss out on drawing nearer to Him and trusting He has a plan. As well as remembering the suffering and great sorrow He took on Himself to save me. So today I choose to not avoid but to press in.
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. -Philippines 3:14