Often I realize I am trapped in a cycle of being good enough. Smart enough, talented enough, pretty enough, funny enough. I work hard enough and get straight A’s and excel in my classes. After meeting my goal I look around and feel empty and alone. I practice, or I primp. I work on how to get a laugh. Success is often followed by a momentary high. A sweet little pat on the back falls immeasurably short when what I am longing for is a sweet embrace.
I feel alone more than not and spend time with any measuring stick I can find, questioning if this is normal? Am I set apart in this? I search the crowd for familiar and hurting faces. But have not figured out a socially acceptable way to ask someone if they are engulfed by this darkness. At least with not shattering the picture of lovliness I hold before me, blocking me from rejection but in no way being effective.
I see God wooing me, I know He loves me. Sometimes it feels so faint, He feels so far away. Gestures that I have swooned over in the past feel like barely a shadow of what they once were. I have faith (as small as a mustard seed) that there is hope, there will be glory given, and He loves me.
As I prayed this morning, laying on the alter the pain I feel. I am questioning the lack of love and loneliness that seems to overtake at times. He said, so gently…..you can not arrive somewhere you already reside.
I reside in the love of Father, I reside in His perfect Love. I have been waiting to arrive but I need to know I already reside. I am sealed and filled with the Holy Spirit, by the blood of Jesus I am reconciled with the love of my life, the Creator of the Universe. I need faith now which can be such a challenge. Believing the unseen instead of the very real brokenness that lies before me. Someday I will not need faith I will be face to face. I long for this day and in the meantime….,I stand on the Truth, I stand on the Rock, I know this is part of my story but just part. I have eternal glory ahead of me and that is such good news.
Lord, give me more and more faith to know deeply thay I reside in your complete and perfect Love. Help me put a stop to the cycle and longing for arrival and help me concentrate on loving others well. I trust you.